7.00
Am woken by a cold sensation on me. My mother has ripped the covers off me in an effort to wake me and get me out of bed. She is now running around like a headless chicken. Her attempt fails, and I roll over and go back to sleep.
8.10
Am woke by a screeching from the hallway. It is my mother again, stressed and looking to kill. I decide if I value my life, I should get up. Right away. I do this, flick on the kettle and get out some cups. Then I go back upstairs to do hair, make-up, clothes, etc.
8.40
Remember about the kettle downstairs. I have forgotten all about it, and it has gone cold. I show remorse about the fact I have lengthened the hole in the ozone layer.
I fall asleep in computer chair.
8.43
My nap is shortlived and I am woken by several shouts, and the revving of a car. I slam the big light off and leave.
Several minutes later, not sure what time.
After much pointing at maps, ripping of maps, and several under the breath comments from my father about woman and maps, we arrive at my Aunts house, in which we sit down, and chat. I am asked the usual questions (hows school, how are friends, how old are you...) and after a very, very long time, my gran arrives. She is hurried straight back out by my mother who is in major stress mode at this time.
Not sure what time. Nine ish?
The service starts. I should be used to church now, but, yeah I still find the services kinda boring. I read a intellectually fulfilling story about Biff, Chip and Floppy the dog, and spend the next hour poking my cousin in order to get him to cry, so I have an excuse to get out of the church to calm him down. My futile attempts to escape are opressed by God. And my mother, who turns round to hiss at me that she'll get me later for this. For what, I have no idea.
The time, around 12?
We set off for this party, which is a disaster. My parents make the worst mistake in their life and decide to follow my grandparents to venue. My grandparents are the worst people to follow anything. They have no sense of direction. I won't describe the next three hours or so. There's no point.
No idea of the time. I need to invest in watch.
Finally, the party at 'Happy Gatherings Chinese Restaurent (my Grandad said it was called that because they were too lazy to translate it to Chinese), which kick starts with my grandmother accidentally flinging her spring water across the table at Christine (before she had a haircut she looked like the Vicar of Dibley, See 'Dawn French' for clarification). Christine gives me a hug, even though I only learnt her name a few weeks back. I have no idea who she is.
Then we hear the words 'Buffet's Open...' and the world goes on standstill. Time stops, and everyone eyes each other up. You can almost see dustballs float across the room. Then, to the tune of Barbie Girl, everyone CHARGES for the buffet table. I get there first (I like my food, okay?). Triumphant, I look behind me at the other 105 guests (106 guest at a christening is ridiculous. How can any one woman know that many people?!?!) and take my pick. I inform an old man that KFC stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken and he goes, 'well, what do you know..? Never knew that.' Which just proves the older generation arn't as wise as they like to make out. The Buffet is Chinese food and really delicious. My Grandad stirs up an outcry amongst his fellow OAP's, who ask where the real food is. Which just shows you how pollitically incorrect old people can be.
Walking back with my prize with the children along the line eyeing me up like vultures, I pass an old woman (I notice there's a lot of old people here) who is saying 'I never wanted kids, but here I am with these two,' much to the dismay of her grown up children, who hang their heads. I hope to God I am not relatied to her. I also bump into someone I thought was a woman in a suit but later turned out to be a man. I notice my spring roll is missing. These people will do anything to torment the girl who got first to the Buffet table. Anything.
I barely finish my food when I am dragged to the floor by Reah (this adorable little almost cousin person I have. Her mum is my cousins best friend, and godmother of my cousins baby.) and made too spin her around. I am then pulled under a table which is a 'den.' It's too low and I bang my head. Several times. Feeling like I am on some sort of drug, I then am forced to humilate myself with a torture known as the Chicken Limbo. What evil minded person invented a game where you simultaneosly break your back, humiliate yourself, and inevitably lose to someone half your age and size? The same people that invented Aqua, Black Lace and Pass the bliddy parcel, that's who.
